Fickle-minded (have I already named one of my posts this?)

Ever wondered what it was like to be in an abusive relationship?

I think i'm in one.

For fuck's sake. This is pretty pathetic.

The old me might be mean and frank but she sure got her shit together.
She would've looked at me now and slapped me real hard for being such a whiny little kitten.

"What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell happened along the way? Where's your inner bitch?"

Truth is, she's right.

I have been weak to the knees for this new one. I can't keep rewinding the cheating scene but thinking about good times simultaneously.

Deep down, i for hell sure know that we are Not going to make it. He's just a temporary, cheap thrill.

I'm such a user. Maybe the old me didn't go away but just heavily coated with niceness. Maybe i got even worse. I've always been pretentious:

Keeping my head while the situation's about to lose it. Smiling even when the situation doesn't demand it but that's when I do the most and that usually pisses the other party off.
I should be an actress. I'm so damn good at concealing my anger (when I want to)

But lately, I have to admit. I have been bawling like a little girl no thanks to T.
I think he secretly finds pleasure in it, glad that I'm tearing up over him as he has for me plenty of times.

But...question is...is he worth the tears over? Have I really been too harsh on the people I love?
I notice that i'm so much more nicer to people I don't have as S.O's. (mainly guy friends)

That's what bothers T a lot and I do understand his worry, growing up in a societal norm where girls don't converse with guys unless if it's for ..well youknow.

Truth is, I have been in love. Yes, with R. It does hurt to sometimes see his pictures etc. but I told myself to let go. I partially did.

But with T...I seriously feel as if it's a crush. A school girl crush on this blonde, blue-eyed creature. Sometimes I do say I love. Sometimes I think I do mean it, especially when I'm happy. But it's easier to love a person when one's happy. I run away when i'm sad and isolate myself because I almost ALWAYS feel like hitting myself in the gut for allowing That to enter my most private emotions.
Was he a worthy to see that side of me?

let's be honest.


He's kind of hot. He has his moments. And I'm afraid i'm actually falling for his looks more than anything else. It's as if I'm putting aside, not merely forgiving, all his flaws by allowing his pretty face to be the main factor of his apology. Shit I'm shallow. Maybe that's why I never get anything done when he's in front of me. I'm very much afraid of his touch and his thoughts.

But his personality's starting to overshadow that little by little.
It's easier to confront his silliness on WA because he's far away.
Jesus. I'm so stupid haha.
Fuck.

I wish guys like M. (NL) would date me. I know for a fact J. (Colombia) would.

Christ.


Bye.