Scarred friendship.

Hey you.

Yeah you.

This is so awkward. To write a whole post about a person i once knew. Still know.

It's not that i don't want to be friends with you, i just don't want to repeat my past.

It's not you, it's the people around you. You have a common pattern of choosing your friends.
And i don't like them. Well, most of them.

The last 2 years of high school was a regret for me. I can't turn back time and do it all over again. I was just following this bitch's orders, K. i hate her. until today.
I can't stop saying how fat and ugly and big and did i meantion fat? she is.
Because i loathe her a lot. A LOT.

I'm trying to get past that. Grow out of it. I'm 20 now. I have to. I can't hold grudges anymore. Grudges are for children. But there's a difference between forgiveness and a second chance right?
Anyway, point is...i'd like to hang out and all. But i keep refusing to. I have to force myself to think negatively towards your outing habits because being friends with you would pull me back to my experienced nightmares.

What if i had gone to science stream?

What if i had forcused on music more than fitting in with your bitch friends?

The only good thing that came out of it was Az and Aly. They were my safe pills. I felt secure, that i'm doing the right thing most of the time by just conversing with them and not wasting my time instead. I liked being with them. I think i do. I'm so clouded by these prejudgements that i'm not even sure what my likes & dislikes are.
But i felt safe with them.

I need to find my own friends.

sob.

Oh Life.

We're - an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man.

No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very p*ssed off

~ Tyler Durden

Arguments.

When one argues, all emotions should be set aside and the main focus should be on the substance instead. NOT the other way round. This is what we debaters have been trained to do. 

Substance is very, VERY important. 

Dimwits, if you're only thinking of personal attacks, please stop before you embarass yourself further. 

I argued with two fat people on the last day of my language exam. I thought their arguments were pointless & stupid & personal. 

what happened?

Unfortunate me had to partner up with them to complete a term paper for the subject, due to their outgoingness and lack of care for the subject matter, they took the task very lightly by completing it last minute. Cherry on top was, they argued by saying that it was unfair for me to bitch at them because my "significant other" was smarter and i had all the help i could get. I, resisting the urge to laugh my ass off of the damn car seat, replied if they were so threatened, get someone just like him. Starting from that they just started to blurt out whatever personal attacks they could to get back at me. 

I just felt sorry. 

for myself, for being friends with them.

for them, for being ..well..them.

for significant other for being dragged into their pointless argument.

Jesus. I mean it IS my fault for expecting too much anyway. Just because we're pals, who would've thought huh? Lol i've learned my lesson. 

I'm a debater, i'm opinionated, i can survive on my own. 

I'm definitely going somewhere. Bitch.

Suck on that.

On my own.

i HATE my parents.

Always have, always will.

they will ALWAYS choose my sister over me.

I don't blame her for having douchebags as parents.

I will promise this though:

When i succeed in life, and i will, i will always remember that it has always ALWAYS been my own effort and they have never been there for me. I promise myself to always remember this. Always.

Captured images.

1. pixie lott's showcase (aizad, rash, zaf, me)

                                                   2. Singapore's USS. (family & rash)

                                                                    3. Genting

                                                   4. Class. Sociology. (is that mahi??)

                                                   5. Debate at UCTI (me, rash, rauf)

                                                        6. Me. shit i look fat. (50 kg)

                                                           7. Sab & I (kunang-kunang)

                                8. Cousins. Nurin wears a scarf now. I don't know if it's a trend.

                                                                9. Skyping with Juan




Just some of the stuff that i've went through. For future references.

Limitless.

OH SHIT. it's Mark Janssen's birthday! the pro. brb.

BB's stuck. SHIT. hang on. why's mom's sending my sister back on a saturday?  morning?

Anyway, hello. i went out yesterday for the first time ever since the weekend cause:

1) Dad lost the vios keys (maybe he found them earlier and hid them so i won't go out)

2) Whenever, wherever i wanted to go, he wanted to follow

3) decided to just stay home despite the holidays and not to mention i had a whole month of cramming up stress. Can you see what kind of dipshit situation i'm in? Will you not get insane?

Conclusion.

I love my dad but he has GOT to have limits. Control what he should not what he can. I'm fuggin 20. FUCKIN 20. i'm tired of living under his roof. Going by his cash.


I gotta figure a way out of this.




Asap.

Untitled.

Good Morning. 11.09 am here and i can't see the sun, that's very good news.

I hate my parents for being such hypocrites, especially mom for being the biggest backstabber known to mankind for telling off how proud she was of my sister for getting mofo-ing 3A's ..and a pass for her add maths. what. the. fuck. did she not acknowledge the fact that it wasn't any better than mine? and also, asked for my help to settle her education and i'm only doing it because i'm not mad at my sister for having such dumb-fucked parents who are obviously oblivious to the fact that others scored way higher than she did and their parents are menstrual about it. Don't make me start ranting about grandma.

Anyway, life's been..i don't know. i don't wanna complain about life because i have everything that i want. the only family i have right now is my cat and Him. If he's even willing to stay long enough to be part of my furniture. Even argued with Rai yesterday about not having kids and stuff, started off with her being all defensive about a nonexistant boyband (not exactly) that i made fun off. honestly, didn't think people like this existed anymore. I wouldn't gaf if Robert DJ were to be bashed up in front of me, he's human he's got flaws, they're human, they've got rights. FINE.
I don't want kids because of reasons. Mainly because i don't want them to become like me one day. i can't avoid that. They will hate me. Oh well not looking into that, don't know if i'll make it that far. i'm just so hell bent on proving to people that i'm a feminist and that i'm against the idea of having a family together, mainly to my parents. To let them feel the pain they put me through. i hope they do. I don't want to see that feeling of happiness on their faces one day for having grandchildren. Sorry imma have to drag his family down with me. i already told him to find someone else who's willing to have kids with him. But he doesn't want to, nothing i can do about that.

I'm selfish and absurd. Goodbye.

Chasing Pavements

Should i give up? or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere


11.56 am on a Saturday morning.
And i'm discussing majors with iman and him.
Iman's changing to psychology. That leaves me, sofia, sarah, and sya.

Sigh,
if only life was easier like eating. Eat&digest. So simple. Making decisions is tough. Your decisions define who you are. Am i headed the right direction?
When i was lying down a couple of minutes ago, a random thought flashed across my mind. I'm doing politics to please him? Like to not seem dumb enough to want to opt for psychology. But if i hadn't met him, would i have taken political science as a choice anyway? Or would i have gone for psychology?
Oh, sabrina changed her major to political science too.
It is "dry&boring" according to iman.
But if you don't have an interest for it, yes everything is boring. Question is, have i develop an interest for it? i kind of do, it is interesting, it's a worldly matter i would want to know and understand what is being discussed in worldly matters and be involved to make my verdict in life as well.
"Keep your friends close, enemies closer" i need to know their mindset and other worldly issues to make my choices in the future. i Need to like this. People do it as a pastime. I do it as a major. Because i won't pay any attention to it if i were to do something else as a major. So people's pastimes as my major? Is it worth it?

So much grief in the start of a new year.

2012.

Hey.

oops, hang on. received 2 BBM's from Azwad A. and Him.

What should i rant about today? It's semester break for me. Finals was hell but i got through.
Went to S' party in USJ, Z thinks i'm "gedik" and made fun of my denim shorts. I think she's envious because i've started to blossom more than her and she can't be at par as to what i've become because she's fat. It's the truth. I need to start looking for new people in my life. Debaters maybe would be way over her level of understanding. I've been having thoughts about how my own best friend disses me by thinking she's super hot super tall and fashionable. and there i am like a walking dwarf next to her.

and i comfort myself by thinking:

a) I have an education and i know stuff way more than she does
b) i'm rich
c) i have a car
d) my bf's wikipedia
e) i can afford a lot of stuff which wld make her attire seem so last year
f) my bossoms are big and she's jealous of it

always have been, always will be. Wow, i'm actually insecure but with people like these, i can't help it. Plus, i keep looking up to Miranda Kerr i don't even know how to look like her.

Whatever it is, i've got my own goals;
1. keep my hair long and healthy like Miranda's
2. stretch so i can be taller
3. get skinnier arms
4. more clothes, ones that nobody can pull off cause they're either too fat or their bossoms are too small
5. Be a Hell of a smart gal.

Always hoping. xx

P.S, my grandpa's sick. hoping to see him tonight. oh god that CBN wannabe will be there. Bite me. Bye.