To Love or Not to Love?

New semester has started.

Planning to finish this one with a "Bang".

I've got some good lecturers, some slow.

Anyway, I told Mslmah that I'm a hopeless romantic. That this whole thing is silly and Love is stupid.
Honestly, not sure if it's the person i'm with or the idea itself.

We all know that T and I are Not going to last. I've seen weddings, the exchange of vows. Sometimes i do imagine but then halfway, i choose to dismiss the idea.
Sure, living in the same house with him would be excitingly fun but .. living in the same house with him "till death do us part"? I don't think so. Not ever.

What's sad is that i've got his whole family going "Sister-in-law" on me. It's not them, it's him. I do love them: Meli, his nephews, etc. They're adorable people. But him in particular, I just can't find myself to trust.

The amount of tossing and turning on my own bed drives me insanely crazy because i don't know what he's up to and if he's easily lying to me again. i know he's not but my doubt for him is still present. Although he says i should not be worried about anything, I still do.

I'm doing a lot of favours for him: saving his money for transportation, fucking caring for his cat, etc. The idiot doesn't think long-term. He's so intelectually and gramatically deficient.

There is absolutely nothing about him that impresses me.
So why?







Beats me.

Problematic

Hi.

So It's R's birthday today. Happy birthday.


I had an argument with T. again.

This time he's not the issue. but I know that he never was the issue. Well, not anymore.

I am.


I'm so problematic. What is wrong with me? Why do i have this constant pushing and pulling of people who love me?

I despise my parents but at the same time i get defensive when people talk bad about them or don't try to fix my relationship with them.

What do i really want?




Life. enough is enough.
My suffering is causing me to inflict unnecessary pain to the people I love.

Fickle-minded (have I already named one of my posts this?)

Ever wondered what it was like to be in an abusive relationship?

I think i'm in one.

For fuck's sake. This is pretty pathetic.

The old me might be mean and frank but she sure got her shit together.
She would've looked at me now and slapped me real hard for being such a whiny little kitten.

"What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell happened along the way? Where's your inner bitch?"

Truth is, she's right.

I have been weak to the knees for this new one. I can't keep rewinding the cheating scene but thinking about good times simultaneously.

Deep down, i for hell sure know that we are Not going to make it. He's just a temporary, cheap thrill.

I'm such a user. Maybe the old me didn't go away but just heavily coated with niceness. Maybe i got even worse. I've always been pretentious:

Keeping my head while the situation's about to lose it. Smiling even when the situation doesn't demand it but that's when I do the most and that usually pisses the other party off.
I should be an actress. I'm so damn good at concealing my anger (when I want to)

But lately, I have to admit. I have been bawling like a little girl no thanks to T.
I think he secretly finds pleasure in it, glad that I'm tearing up over him as he has for me plenty of times.

But...question is...is he worth the tears over? Have I really been too harsh on the people I love?
I notice that i'm so much more nicer to people I don't have as S.O's. (mainly guy friends)

That's what bothers T a lot and I do understand his worry, growing up in a societal norm where girls don't converse with guys unless if it's for ..well youknow.

Truth is, I have been in love. Yes, with R. It does hurt to sometimes see his pictures etc. but I told myself to let go. I partially did.

But with T...I seriously feel as if it's a crush. A school girl crush on this blonde, blue-eyed creature. Sometimes I do say I love. Sometimes I think I do mean it, especially when I'm happy. But it's easier to love a person when one's happy. I run away when i'm sad and isolate myself because I almost ALWAYS feel like hitting myself in the gut for allowing That to enter my most private emotions.
Was he a worthy to see that side of me?

let's be honest.


He's kind of hot. He has his moments. And I'm afraid i'm actually falling for his looks more than anything else. It's as if I'm putting aside, not merely forgiving, all his flaws by allowing his pretty face to be the main factor of his apology. Shit I'm shallow. Maybe that's why I never get anything done when he's in front of me. I'm very much afraid of his touch and his thoughts.

But his personality's starting to overshadow that little by little.
It's easier to confront his silliness on WA because he's far away.
Jesus. I'm so stupid haha.
Fuck.

I wish guys like M. (NL) would date me. I know for a fact J. (Colombia) would.

Christ.


Bye.

Lies

Ever felt what it was like to be cheated on?

I have.

Twice.

There's an old saying that goes by the lines of
"Shame on him if he fools you once. Shame on you if he fools you twice"

The sad part is, I'm anticipating the second deceit.
The first one was done by my ex whom i've been with for 3 and a half to 4 years. He was a sweet guy but it hurts knowing that the "space" meant he got to spend more time with his lecturer's daughter as an R.A.

He had the right to find someone who treated him well because i didn't but he never should have kept me waiting and kept this sneaking around for the whole of 5 months, having me believe I was a terrible person. Who the fuck does that to people?

Oh wait. Me.


I guess Karma came around when this new one lied to me as well. He's a little stupidly good-looking so I'm just sticking around for the blonde hair blue eyes eye candy.

I thought i had developed some real feelings for him, but they keep reeling back. What happened?
Well. When he went back to B., he met this girl name Analmina. (let's stick to this)
They've been talking since before we met and I FUCKING AM CONFIDENT about the fact that he did develop some feelings for her and at the same time, for me.

(I'd like to believe me more because she's an obnoxious 18 year old dumbfuck)
Pardon my language, i'm sure she's sweet. Sweet for dicks and money.

Anyway, he went to meet her, we had an argument and he went to see her and they kissed blabla FUCK whatever.

I'll tell you one thing. He's a damn good liar. Manipulative fucker. Or maybe i just have never been cheated on so I wouldn't know how guys do it.
In the end, my heart broke into pieces and i was determined to break him down really really badly. i think I did manage at one point by being super nice an innocent that everyone turned against him.


But i'm not sure if he's still doing it again. Why? there's nothing on FB, nothing on whatsapp.
I'm not sure about other chat sites. (Viber)

Right now I feel like it's all temporary and it still is. I told him i would not have anymore discussions about future talks. As far as i'm concerned, I'm serious about studies and I will graduate with good grades to get that scholarship and find someone there, iA.

I hope God helps me out along the way, to be patient enough with the struggles that i will face. And i hope he will move my heart again towards prayers.

"I think i need a new life, to leave this all behind"
-My Mantra.

Till then, Bye.