Shades of A.

You know i have a tendency to love fictional characters. So much that I actually put my own self in danger with my social surroundings.

I've been trying to preach like the billion dollar entrepreneur. It worked for a couple of days but the charm's wearing off. I tried to re-read the fantasy but I couldn't bring myself to it.

I need a new addiction but I can't get over CG. M.Boner's role of NC is rubbing off on me too but they're all just stories. I can't become a con artist, i'd have to be super smart and careful for that.

So, i finally created a second twitter account and i'm having fun expressing my feelings and love for CG, spazzing all over him like others do.

I had a talk with Him and it didn't turn out so good.

He's trying to suppress all feelings towards me. He doesn't want to feel for me because he claims that he "doesn't love himself enough to love others". It's eat pray love all over again. I was cool about it at first but after a few days had passed, was then that I realized I've done something. After all this talk about space and wanting some time off, I finally got it.

But why do I feel empty?

I miss him, that's for sure. But the most outrageous part is that....he doesn't miss me.

It's like I barely know him anymore, know what he wants and i'm back to that phase of being afraid to talk to him. Not that I'm afraid the conversation will turn out bad, but more afraid of his reaction.
What the fuck?

I wrote a story called "Betrayed" featuring protagonist, Rose Spencer and typical hot guys. I'm such a whiny, sad motherfucker who's full of herself. Nobody wants me. And I don't want anybody.


And at this point, I'm developing feelings for Men. Since the whole CG mania, I've been very much interested in men 27 and older. I feel hot when men check me out and i sort of give them a flirtatious smile. God I'm stupid.


I need to get rid of all this pessimism and just graduate. The United States awaits me.

Sigh, Seattle.

I'll be there, CG.

Waiting at your doorsteps at Escala.


Laters, baby.

x

One of those days again

Hey.

So I'm thinking of creating a new twitter because i have this habit of tweeting out my feelings whenever i'm mad at Him and his friends are following me. Plus, with Mark around, they think i'm cheating on him or something so yeah it's generally for the greater good.

I told Mark about how my "friends" are. Am i just really complaining? They always treat me like i'm some blonde girl. like how Hanan said she had issues with "Faith", hinting it was someone and i knew who it was but i gave different answers. He was like "Omg how can you not know this, you'd fail if this was a game show" OKAY i get it, stop rubbing it in my face.

Sometimes i feel like i'm an item of amusement around these people. They keep me around for their amusement and it sucks big time. I have a big ego, most definitely. But how do i survive on my own? where do i start? By making new friends and not introducing them to Him maybe? Read more? C'mon i'm really lazy to read.

Sometimes we have disagreements and i notice that he doesn't listen anymore. Like i told him not to give his "a world without islam" book to the guard but he didn't listen and gave it anyway. He just stopped listening and went according to what he feels is right. Sometimes i'd like to break away from him and just do what i think is good. Alone? Since i have no friends now. Yeah he scared all my friends away. Rauf has his girlfriend. Honestly i just need a new pact of friends. So badly. Sigh.

I'm going to become a 3rd year student soon in the long semester. Turning 22 next year. Is this what Life has to offer me or am i not trying my best? I KNOW i'm not trying my best just yet. Like in debate how i just don't try. I try but i look forward to losing so i don't have to go for the next day.
God please just GET RID of this laziness why am i so reluctant to do everything. I need my old spunk. My old me. My old daring side. Where did that go?? I'm improving on doing assignments on my own to only get a 20/30 but that was my own fault for not preparing earlier. That's what i get.

I so need to travel. I need to get away from these people. I'm even having doubts in my own "best friend" where i'm always an item of comparison. like leave me alone, thank you very much.
My parents.....as much as i feel sorry for dad, but i keep thinking about "hari raya" this year. About whether or not i should even say "maaf zahir dan batin" because i wouldn't mean what i say. Life, where are you headed?

I'm even lazy to apply for a scholarship because there's just too many stuff to read. I'M LAZY LAZY LAZY.


"Honey, it's not magic. Going there is not going to make you a different person"
-Grace's mom in Monte Carlo. omg FUCK all the mom's who are like this. unsupportive twats. YOUR LIFE ENDED DON'T RUIN OURS.

Hatred.

7.22 PM
May 17th.

So tomorrow is the grad dinner for my faculty. but that's not what i'm going to talk about today.

A couple of days ago, i was trying so hard to get the wifi connection from my dorm to type on this site about how i felt. Felt about what Him and His side of the family thought of me.


Sunday was elections. i joined them after they were done voting cause i wanted to "monitor" the damn thing. I knew i should've done it alone i just had this feeling i was going to impose.
We went to his Grandma's house after that around 1pm to wait for my dad who arrived an hour and a half later. His dad was hesitant to see my dad, something about my mom being there and his mom had to comfort her husband by saying that my mom wasn't there.

I think the hatred towards me is spreading. Now his family feels like i'm an imposition.

And you know how much i hate that.

I should just not talk to anybody or be commited in any relationship.

And i found out that he's been telling the wanking debater, A. about our relationship.
His response was "why do you still stay with her? If i were you i'd leave"
and it's not just him alone. Others too. I still want to find out who.
I'm keeping my distance with the other guys. They may seem nice on the outside but i definitely know what they're capable of now.

I am a user, yes. I deserve EVERYTHING. every bad statement these people made is the truth.
it's true. i am whatever they mentioned.

Why am i still with? because i need him. For studies.

I. am. a. user.


and i think his parents know it too.

Fuck where did the good times go when i was an independent bitch?

2013

I feel like it's still 2012.

Cause I'm having the same feelings.

I have so much negativity in me. All collected from the past. "Shit hole" eam says it.

She's not even sure where all these pain & hatred's coming from.

i'm done typing.

I hope by the start of the new sem or something, i'll have new thoughts.

sigh, i'm scared.

bye.