One of those days again

Hey.

So I'm thinking of creating a new twitter because i have this habit of tweeting out my feelings whenever i'm mad at Him and his friends are following me. Plus, with Mark around, they think i'm cheating on him or something so yeah it's generally for the greater good.

I told Mark about how my "friends" are. Am i just really complaining? They always treat me like i'm some blonde girl. like how Hanan said she had issues with "Faith", hinting it was someone and i knew who it was but i gave different answers. He was like "Omg how can you not know this, you'd fail if this was a game show" OKAY i get it, stop rubbing it in my face.

Sometimes i feel like i'm an item of amusement around these people. They keep me around for their amusement and it sucks big time. I have a big ego, most definitely. But how do i survive on my own? where do i start? By making new friends and not introducing them to Him maybe? Read more? C'mon i'm really lazy to read.

Sometimes we have disagreements and i notice that he doesn't listen anymore. Like i told him not to give his "a world without islam" book to the guard but he didn't listen and gave it anyway. He just stopped listening and went according to what he feels is right. Sometimes i'd like to break away from him and just do what i think is good. Alone? Since i have no friends now. Yeah he scared all my friends away. Rauf has his girlfriend. Honestly i just need a new pact of friends. So badly. Sigh.

I'm going to become a 3rd year student soon in the long semester. Turning 22 next year. Is this what Life has to offer me or am i not trying my best? I KNOW i'm not trying my best just yet. Like in debate how i just don't try. I try but i look forward to losing so i don't have to go for the next day.
God please just GET RID of this laziness why am i so reluctant to do everything. I need my old spunk. My old me. My old daring side. Where did that go?? I'm improving on doing assignments on my own to only get a 20/30 but that was my own fault for not preparing earlier. That's what i get.

I so need to travel. I need to get away from these people. I'm even having doubts in my own "best friend" where i'm always an item of comparison. like leave me alone, thank you very much.
My parents.....as much as i feel sorry for dad, but i keep thinking about "hari raya" this year. About whether or not i should even say "maaf zahir dan batin" because i wouldn't mean what i say. Life, where are you headed?

I'm even lazy to apply for a scholarship because there's just too many stuff to read. I'M LAZY LAZY LAZY.


"Honey, it's not magic. Going there is not going to make you a different person"
-Grace's mom in Monte Carlo. omg FUCK all the mom's who are like this. unsupportive twats. YOUR LIFE ENDED DON'T RUIN OURS.

Hatred.

7.22 PM
May 17th.

So tomorrow is the grad dinner for my faculty. but that's not what i'm going to talk about today.

A couple of days ago, i was trying so hard to get the wifi connection from my dorm to type on this site about how i felt. Felt about what Him and His side of the family thought of me.


Sunday was elections. i joined them after they were done voting cause i wanted to "monitor" the damn thing. I knew i should've done it alone i just had this feeling i was going to impose.
We went to his Grandma's house after that around 1pm to wait for my dad who arrived an hour and a half later. His dad was hesitant to see my dad, something about my mom being there and his mom had to comfort her husband by saying that my mom wasn't there.

I think the hatred towards me is spreading. Now his family feels like i'm an imposition.

And you know how much i hate that.

I should just not talk to anybody or be commited in any relationship.

And i found out that he's been telling the wanking debater, A. about our relationship.
His response was "why do you still stay with her? If i were you i'd leave"
and it's not just him alone. Others too. I still want to find out who.
I'm keeping my distance with the other guys. They may seem nice on the outside but i definitely know what they're capable of now.

I am a user, yes. I deserve EVERYTHING. every bad statement these people made is the truth.
it's true. i am whatever they mentioned.

Why am i still with? because i need him. For studies.

I. am. a. user.


and i think his parents know it too.

Fuck where did the good times go when i was an independent bitch?

2013

I feel like it's still 2012.

Cause I'm having the same feelings.

I have so much negativity in me. All collected from the past. "Shit hole" eam says it.

She's not even sure where all these pain & hatred's coming from.

i'm done typing.

I hope by the start of the new sem or something, i'll have new thoughts.

sigh, i'm scared.

bye.

Scarred friendship.

Hey you.

Yeah you.

This is so awkward. To write a whole post about a person i once knew. Still know.

It's not that i don't want to be friends with you, i just don't want to repeat my past.

It's not you, it's the people around you. You have a common pattern of choosing your friends.
And i don't like them. Well, most of them.

The last 2 years of high school was a regret for me. I can't turn back time and do it all over again. I was just following this bitch's orders, K. i hate her. until today.
I can't stop saying how fat and ugly and big and did i meantion fat? she is.
Because i loathe her a lot. A LOT.

I'm trying to get past that. Grow out of it. I'm 20 now. I have to. I can't hold grudges anymore. Grudges are for children. But there's a difference between forgiveness and a second chance right?
Anyway, point is...i'd like to hang out and all. But i keep refusing to. I have to force myself to think negatively towards your outing habits because being friends with you would pull me back to my experienced nightmares.

What if i had gone to science stream?

What if i had forcused on music more than fitting in with your bitch friends?

The only good thing that came out of it was Az and Aly. They were my safe pills. I felt secure, that i'm doing the right thing most of the time by just conversing with them and not wasting my time instead. I liked being with them. I think i do. I'm so clouded by these prejudgements that i'm not even sure what my likes & dislikes are.
But i felt safe with them.

I need to find my own friends.

sob.

Oh Life.

We're - an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man.

No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very p*ssed off

~ Tyler Durden

Arguments.

When one argues, all emotions should be set aside and the main focus should be on the substance instead. NOT the other way round. This is what we debaters have been trained to do. 

Substance is very, VERY important. 

Dimwits, if you're only thinking of personal attacks, please stop before you embarass yourself further. 

I argued with two fat people on the last day of my language exam. I thought their arguments were pointless & stupid & personal. 

what happened?

Unfortunate me had to partner up with them to complete a term paper for the subject, due to their outgoingness and lack of care for the subject matter, they took the task very lightly by completing it last minute. Cherry on top was, they argued by saying that it was unfair for me to bitch at them because my "significant other" was smarter and i had all the help i could get. I, resisting the urge to laugh my ass off of the damn car seat, replied if they were so threatened, get someone just like him. Starting from that they just started to blurt out whatever personal attacks they could to get back at me. 

I just felt sorry. 

for myself, for being friends with them.

for them, for being ..well..them.

for significant other for being dragged into their pointless argument.

Jesus. I mean it IS my fault for expecting too much anyway. Just because we're pals, who would've thought huh? Lol i've learned my lesson. 

I'm a debater, i'm opinionated, i can survive on my own. 

I'm definitely going somewhere. Bitch.

Suck on that.

On my own.

i HATE my parents.

Always have, always will.

they will ALWAYS choose my sister over me.

I don't blame her for having douchebags as parents.

I will promise this though:

When i succeed in life, and i will, i will always remember that it has always ALWAYS been my own effort and they have never been there for me. I promise myself to always remember this. Always.