Where no one knows my name indeed.

I just watched Leap Year whilst talking to my favourite Irish.


Met him virtually in 2016.


Time flew by fast.


And here we are.


What's next?

Bad Reality

I don't know where to begin.


First of all, I graduated.

Fucking relief is what it is. I wish I'd stop swearing. I can stop swearing, I actually grimace at the act of saying Fuck now.

It's a mixed feeling.

Of a lot of different things.



Where are we headed?
This is something that needs to be expressed in somewhere more private. Like a diary.
The internet is Not my diary.

To Love or Not to Love?

New semester has started.

Planning to finish this one with a "Bang".

I've got some good lecturers, some slow.

Anyway, I told Mslmah that I'm a hopeless romantic. That this whole thing is silly and Love is stupid.
Honestly, not sure if it's the person i'm with or the idea itself.

We all know that T and I are Not going to last. I've seen weddings, the exchange of vows. Sometimes i do imagine but then halfway, i choose to dismiss the idea.
Sure, living in the same house with him would be excitingly fun but .. living in the same house with him "till death do us part"? I don't think so. Not ever.

What's sad is that i've got his whole family going "Sister-in-law" on me. It's not them, it's him. I do love them: Meli, his nephews, etc. They're adorable people. But him in particular, I just can't find myself to trust.

The amount of tossing and turning on my own bed drives me insanely crazy because i don't know what he's up to and if he's easily lying to me again. i know he's not but my doubt for him is still present. Although he says i should not be worried about anything, I still do.

I'm doing a lot of favours for him: saving his money for transportation, fucking caring for his cat, etc. The idiot doesn't think long-term. He's so intelectually and gramatically deficient.

There is absolutely nothing about him that impresses me.
So why?







Beats me.

Problematic

Hi.

So It's R's birthday today. Happy birthday.


I had an argument with T. again.

This time he's not the issue. but I know that he never was the issue. Well, not anymore.

I am.


I'm so problematic. What is wrong with me? Why do i have this constant pushing and pulling of people who love me?

I despise my parents but at the same time i get defensive when people talk bad about them or don't try to fix my relationship with them.

What do i really want?




Life. enough is enough.
My suffering is causing me to inflict unnecessary pain to the people I love.

Fickle-minded (have I already named one of my posts this?)

Ever wondered what it was like to be in an abusive relationship?

I think i'm in one.

For fuck's sake. This is pretty pathetic.

The old me might be mean and frank but she sure got her shit together.
She would've looked at me now and slapped me real hard for being such a whiny little kitten.

"What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell happened along the way? Where's your inner bitch?"

Truth is, she's right.

I have been weak to the knees for this new one. I can't keep rewinding the cheating scene but thinking about good times simultaneously.

Deep down, i for hell sure know that we are Not going to make it. He's just a temporary, cheap thrill.

I'm such a user. Maybe the old me didn't go away but just heavily coated with niceness. Maybe i got even worse. I've always been pretentious:

Keeping my head while the situation's about to lose it. Smiling even when the situation doesn't demand it but that's when I do the most and that usually pisses the other party off.
I should be an actress. I'm so damn good at concealing my anger (when I want to)

But lately, I have to admit. I have been bawling like a little girl no thanks to T.
I think he secretly finds pleasure in it, glad that I'm tearing up over him as he has for me plenty of times.

But...question is...is he worth the tears over? Have I really been too harsh on the people I love?
I notice that i'm so much more nicer to people I don't have as S.O's. (mainly guy friends)

That's what bothers T a lot and I do understand his worry, growing up in a societal norm where girls don't converse with guys unless if it's for ..well youknow.

Truth is, I have been in love. Yes, with R. It does hurt to sometimes see his pictures etc. but I told myself to let go. I partially did.

But with T...I seriously feel as if it's a crush. A school girl crush on this blonde, blue-eyed creature. Sometimes I do say I love. Sometimes I think I do mean it, especially when I'm happy. But it's easier to love a person when one's happy. I run away when i'm sad and isolate myself because I almost ALWAYS feel like hitting myself in the gut for allowing That to enter my most private emotions.
Was he a worthy to see that side of me?

let's be honest.


He's kind of hot. He has his moments. And I'm afraid i'm actually falling for his looks more than anything else. It's as if I'm putting aside, not merely forgiving, all his flaws by allowing his pretty face to be the main factor of his apology. Shit I'm shallow. Maybe that's why I never get anything done when he's in front of me. I'm very much afraid of his touch and his thoughts.

But his personality's starting to overshadow that little by little.
It's easier to confront his silliness on WA because he's far away.
Jesus. I'm so stupid haha.
Fuck.

I wish guys like M. (NL) would date me. I know for a fact J. (Colombia) would.

Christ.


Bye.

Lies

Ever felt what it was like to be cheated on?

I have.

Twice.

There's an old saying that goes by the lines of
"Shame on him if he fools you once. Shame on you if he fools you twice"

The sad part is, I'm anticipating the second deceit.
The first one was done by my ex whom i've been with for 3 and a half to 4 years. He was a sweet guy but it hurts knowing that the "space" meant he got to spend more time with his lecturer's daughter as an R.A.

He had the right to find someone who treated him well because i didn't but he never should have kept me waiting and kept this sneaking around for the whole of 5 months, having me believe I was a terrible person. Who the fuck does that to people?

Oh wait. Me.


I guess Karma came around when this new one lied to me as well. He's a little stupidly good-looking so I'm just sticking around for the blonde hair blue eyes eye candy.

I thought i had developed some real feelings for him, but they keep reeling back. What happened?
Well. When he went back to B., he met this girl name Analmina. (let's stick to this)
They've been talking since before we met and I FUCKING AM CONFIDENT about the fact that he did develop some feelings for her and at the same time, for me.

(I'd like to believe me more because she's an obnoxious 18 year old dumbfuck)
Pardon my language, i'm sure she's sweet. Sweet for dicks and money.

Anyway, he went to meet her, we had an argument and he went to see her and they kissed blabla FUCK whatever.

I'll tell you one thing. He's a damn good liar. Manipulative fucker. Or maybe i just have never been cheated on so I wouldn't know how guys do it.
In the end, my heart broke into pieces and i was determined to break him down really really badly. i think I did manage at one point by being super nice an innocent that everyone turned against him.


But i'm not sure if he's still doing it again. Why? there's nothing on FB, nothing on whatsapp.
I'm not sure about other chat sites. (Viber)

Right now I feel like it's all temporary and it still is. I told him i would not have anymore discussions about future talks. As far as i'm concerned, I'm serious about studies and I will graduate with good grades to get that scholarship and find someone there, iA.

I hope God helps me out along the way, to be patient enough with the struggles that i will face. And i hope he will move my heart again towards prayers.

"I think i need a new life, to leave this all behind"
-My Mantra.

Till then, Bye.

Shades of A.

You know i have a tendency to love fictional characters. So much that I actually put my own self in danger with my social surroundings.

I've been trying to preach like the billion dollar entrepreneur. It worked for a couple of days but the charm's wearing off. I tried to re-read the fantasy but I couldn't bring myself to it.

I need a new addiction but I can't get over CG. M.Boner's role of NC is rubbing off on me too but they're all just stories. I can't become a con artist, i'd have to be super smart and careful for that.

So, i finally created a second twitter account and i'm having fun expressing my feelings and love for CG, spazzing all over him like others do.

I had a talk with Him and it didn't turn out so good.

He's trying to suppress all feelings towards me. He doesn't want to feel for me because he claims that he "doesn't love himself enough to love others". It's eat pray love all over again. I was cool about it at first but after a few days had passed, was then that I realized I've done something. After all this talk about space and wanting some time off, I finally got it.

But why do I feel empty?

I miss him, that's for sure. But the most outrageous part is that....he doesn't miss me.

It's like I barely know him anymore, know what he wants and i'm back to that phase of being afraid to talk to him. Not that I'm afraid the conversation will turn out bad, but more afraid of his reaction.
What the fuck?

I wrote a story called "Betrayed" featuring protagonist, Rose Spencer and typical hot guys. I'm such a whiny, sad motherfucker who's full of herself. Nobody wants me. And I don't want anybody.


And at this point, I'm developing feelings for Men. Since the whole CG mania, I've been very much interested in men 27 and older. I feel hot when men check me out and i sort of give them a flirtatious smile. God I'm stupid.


I need to get rid of all this pessimism and just graduate. The United States awaits me.

Sigh, Seattle.

I'll be there, CG.

Waiting at your doorsteps at Escala.


Laters, baby.

x

One of those days again

Hey.

So I'm thinking of creating a new twitter because i have this habit of tweeting out my feelings whenever i'm mad at Him and his friends are following me. Plus, with Mark around, they think i'm cheating on him or something so yeah it's generally for the greater good.

I told Mark about how my "friends" are. Am i just really complaining? They always treat me like i'm some blonde girl. like how Hanan said she had issues with "Faith", hinting it was someone and i knew who it was but i gave different answers. He was like "Omg how can you not know this, you'd fail if this was a game show" OKAY i get it, stop rubbing it in my face.

Sometimes i feel like i'm an item of amusement around these people. They keep me around for their amusement and it sucks big time. I have a big ego, most definitely. But how do i survive on my own? where do i start? By making new friends and not introducing them to Him maybe? Read more? C'mon i'm really lazy to read.

Sometimes we have disagreements and i notice that he doesn't listen anymore. Like i told him not to give his "a world without islam" book to the guard but he didn't listen and gave it anyway. He just stopped listening and went according to what he feels is right. Sometimes i'd like to break away from him and just do what i think is good. Alone? Since i have no friends now. Yeah he scared all my friends away. Rauf has his girlfriend. Honestly i just need a new pact of friends. So badly. Sigh.

I'm going to become a 3rd year student soon in the long semester. Turning 22 next year. Is this what Life has to offer me or am i not trying my best? I KNOW i'm not trying my best just yet. Like in debate how i just don't try. I try but i look forward to losing so i don't have to go for the next day.
God please just GET RID of this laziness why am i so reluctant to do everything. I need my old spunk. My old me. My old daring side. Where did that go?? I'm improving on doing assignments on my own to only get a 20/30 but that was my own fault for not preparing earlier. That's what i get.

I so need to travel. I need to get away from these people. I'm even having doubts in my own "best friend" where i'm always an item of comparison. like leave me alone, thank you very much.
My parents.....as much as i feel sorry for dad, but i keep thinking about "hari raya" this year. About whether or not i should even say "maaf zahir dan batin" because i wouldn't mean what i say. Life, where are you headed?

I'm even lazy to apply for a scholarship because there's just too many stuff to read. I'M LAZY LAZY LAZY.


"Honey, it's not magic. Going there is not going to make you a different person"
-Grace's mom in Monte Carlo. omg FUCK all the mom's who are like this. unsupportive twats. YOUR LIFE ENDED DON'T RUIN OURS.

Hatred.

7.22 PM
May 17th.

So tomorrow is the grad dinner for my faculty. but that's not what i'm going to talk about today.

A couple of days ago, i was trying so hard to get the wifi connection from my dorm to type on this site about how i felt. Felt about what Him and His side of the family thought of me.


Sunday was elections. i joined them after they were done voting cause i wanted to "monitor" the damn thing. I knew i should've done it alone i just had this feeling i was going to impose.
We went to his Grandma's house after that around 1pm to wait for my dad who arrived an hour and a half later. His dad was hesitant to see my dad, something about my mom being there and his mom had to comfort her husband by saying that my mom wasn't there.

I think the hatred towards me is spreading. Now his family feels like i'm an imposition.

And you know how much i hate that.

I should just not talk to anybody or be commited in any relationship.

And i found out that he's been telling the wanking debater, A. about our relationship.
His response was "why do you still stay with her? If i were you i'd leave"
and it's not just him alone. Others too. I still want to find out who.
I'm keeping my distance with the other guys. They may seem nice on the outside but i definitely know what they're capable of now.

I am a user, yes. I deserve EVERYTHING. every bad statement these people made is the truth.
it's true. i am whatever they mentioned.

Why am i still with? because i need him. For studies.

I. am. a. user.


and i think his parents know it too.

Fuck where did the good times go when i was an independent bitch?

2013

I feel like it's still 2012.

Cause I'm having the same feelings.

I have so much negativity in me. All collected from the past. "Shit hole" eam says it.

She's not even sure where all these pain & hatred's coming from.

i'm done typing.

I hope by the start of the new sem or something, i'll have new thoughts.

sigh, i'm scared.

bye.

Scarred friendship.

Hey you.

Yeah you.

This is so awkward. To write a whole post about a person i once knew. Still know.

It's not that i don't want to be friends with you, i just don't want to repeat my past.

It's not you, it's the people around you. You have a common pattern of choosing your friends.
And i don't like them. Well, most of them.

The last 2 years of high school was a regret for me. I can't turn back time and do it all over again. I was just following this bitch's orders, K. i hate her. until today.
I can't stop saying how fat and ugly and big and did i meantion fat? she is.
Because i loathe her a lot. A LOT.

I'm trying to get past that. Grow out of it. I'm 20 now. I have to. I can't hold grudges anymore. Grudges are for children. But there's a difference between forgiveness and a second chance right?
Anyway, point is...i'd like to hang out and all. But i keep refusing to. I have to force myself to think negatively towards your outing habits because being friends with you would pull me back to my experienced nightmares.

What if i had gone to science stream?

What if i had forcused on music more than fitting in with your bitch friends?

The only good thing that came out of it was Az and Aly. They were my safe pills. I felt secure, that i'm doing the right thing most of the time by just conversing with them and not wasting my time instead. I liked being with them. I think i do. I'm so clouded by these prejudgements that i'm not even sure what my likes & dislikes are.
But i felt safe with them.

I need to find my own friends.

sob.

Oh Life.

We're - an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man.

No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very p*ssed off

~ Tyler Durden

Arguments.

When one argues, all emotions should be set aside and the main focus should be on the substance instead. NOT the other way round. This is what we debaters have been trained to do. 

Substance is very, VERY important. 

Dimwits, if you're only thinking of personal attacks, please stop before you embarass yourself further. 

I argued with two fat people on the last day of my language exam. I thought their arguments were pointless & stupid & personal. 

what happened?

Unfortunate me had to partner up with them to complete a term paper for the subject, due to their outgoingness and lack of care for the subject matter, they took the task very lightly by completing it last minute. Cherry on top was, they argued by saying that it was unfair for me to bitch at them because my "significant other" was smarter and i had all the help i could get. I, resisting the urge to laugh my ass off of the damn car seat, replied if they were so threatened, get someone just like him. Starting from that they just started to blurt out whatever personal attacks they could to get back at me. 

I just felt sorry. 

for myself, for being friends with them.

for them, for being ..well..them.

for significant other for being dragged into their pointless argument.

Jesus. I mean it IS my fault for expecting too much anyway. Just because we're pals, who would've thought huh? Lol i've learned my lesson. 

I'm a debater, i'm opinionated, i can survive on my own. 

I'm definitely going somewhere. Bitch.

Suck on that.

On my own.

i HATE my parents.

Always have, always will.

they will ALWAYS choose my sister over me.

I don't blame her for having douchebags as parents.

I will promise this though:

When i succeed in life, and i will, i will always remember that it has always ALWAYS been my own effort and they have never been there for me. I promise myself to always remember this. Always.

Captured images.

1. pixie lott's showcase (aizad, rash, zaf, me)

                                                   2. Singapore's USS. (family & rash)

                                                                    3. Genting

                                                   4. Class. Sociology. (is that mahi??)

                                                   5. Debate at UCTI (me, rash, rauf)

                                                        6. Me. shit i look fat. (50 kg)

                                                           7. Sab & I (kunang-kunang)

                                8. Cousins. Nurin wears a scarf now. I don't know if it's a trend.

                                                                9. Skyping with Juan




Just some of the stuff that i've went through. For future references.

Limitless.

OH SHIT. it's Mark Janssen's birthday! the pro. brb.

BB's stuck. SHIT. hang on. why's mom's sending my sister back on a saturday?  morning?

Anyway, hello. i went out yesterday for the first time ever since the weekend cause:

1) Dad lost the vios keys (maybe he found them earlier and hid them so i won't go out)

2) Whenever, wherever i wanted to go, he wanted to follow

3) decided to just stay home despite the holidays and not to mention i had a whole month of cramming up stress. Can you see what kind of dipshit situation i'm in? Will you not get insane?

Conclusion.

I love my dad but he has GOT to have limits. Control what he should not what he can. I'm fuggin 20. FUCKIN 20. i'm tired of living under his roof. Going by his cash.


I gotta figure a way out of this.




Asap.

Untitled.

Good Morning. 11.09 am here and i can't see the sun, that's very good news.

I hate my parents for being such hypocrites, especially mom for being the biggest backstabber known to mankind for telling off how proud she was of my sister for getting mofo-ing 3A's ..and a pass for her add maths. what. the. fuck. did she not acknowledge the fact that it wasn't any better than mine? and also, asked for my help to settle her education and i'm only doing it because i'm not mad at my sister for having such dumb-fucked parents who are obviously oblivious to the fact that others scored way higher than she did and their parents are menstrual about it. Don't make me start ranting about grandma.

Anyway, life's been..i don't know. i don't wanna complain about life because i have everything that i want. the only family i have right now is my cat and Him. If he's even willing to stay long enough to be part of my furniture. Even argued with Rai yesterday about not having kids and stuff, started off with her being all defensive about a nonexistant boyband (not exactly) that i made fun off. honestly, didn't think people like this existed anymore. I wouldn't gaf if Robert DJ were to be bashed up in front of me, he's human he's got flaws, they're human, they've got rights. FINE.
I don't want kids because of reasons. Mainly because i don't want them to become like me one day. i can't avoid that. They will hate me. Oh well not looking into that, don't know if i'll make it that far. i'm just so hell bent on proving to people that i'm a feminist and that i'm against the idea of having a family together, mainly to my parents. To let them feel the pain they put me through. i hope they do. I don't want to see that feeling of happiness on their faces one day for having grandchildren. Sorry imma have to drag his family down with me. i already told him to find someone else who's willing to have kids with him. But he doesn't want to, nothing i can do about that.

I'm selfish and absurd. Goodbye.

Chasing Pavements

Should i give up? or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere


11.56 am on a Saturday morning.
And i'm discussing majors with iman and him.
Iman's changing to psychology. That leaves me, sofia, sarah, and sya.

Sigh,
if only life was easier like eating. Eat&digest. So simple. Making decisions is tough. Your decisions define who you are. Am i headed the right direction?
When i was lying down a couple of minutes ago, a random thought flashed across my mind. I'm doing politics to please him? Like to not seem dumb enough to want to opt for psychology. But if i hadn't met him, would i have taken political science as a choice anyway? Or would i have gone for psychology?
Oh, sabrina changed her major to political science too.
It is "dry&boring" according to iman.
But if you don't have an interest for it, yes everything is boring. Question is, have i develop an interest for it? i kind of do, it is interesting, it's a worldly matter i would want to know and understand what is being discussed in worldly matters and be involved to make my verdict in life as well.
"Keep your friends close, enemies closer" i need to know their mindset and other worldly issues to make my choices in the future. i Need to like this. People do it as a pastime. I do it as a major. Because i won't pay any attention to it if i were to do something else as a major. So people's pastimes as my major? Is it worth it?

So much grief in the start of a new year.

2012.

Hey.

oops, hang on. received 2 BBM's from Azwad A. and Him.

What should i rant about today? It's semester break for me. Finals was hell but i got through.
Went to S' party in USJ, Z thinks i'm "gedik" and made fun of my denim shorts. I think she's envious because i've started to blossom more than her and she can't be at par as to what i've become because she's fat. It's the truth. I need to start looking for new people in my life. Debaters maybe would be way over her level of understanding. I've been having thoughts about how my own best friend disses me by thinking she's super hot super tall and fashionable. and there i am like a walking dwarf next to her.

and i comfort myself by thinking:

a) I have an education and i know stuff way more than she does
b) i'm rich
c) i have a car
d) my bf's wikipedia
e) i can afford a lot of stuff which wld make her attire seem so last year
f) my bossoms are big and she's jealous of it

always have been, always will be. Wow, i'm actually insecure but with people like these, i can't help it. Plus, i keep looking up to Miranda Kerr i don't even know how to look like her.

Whatever it is, i've got my own goals;
1. keep my hair long and healthy like Miranda's
2. stretch so i can be taller
3. get skinnier arms
4. more clothes, ones that nobody can pull off cause they're either too fat or their bossoms are too small
5. Be a Hell of a smart gal.

Always hoping. xx

P.S, my grandpa's sick. hoping to see him tonight. oh god that CBN wannabe will be there. Bite me. Bye.

New Year

Little hey, little ho.

it's 11.46 pm here and it's almost a new year. quite frankly, i'm afraid of what this new year is going to bring me. i'll be in my 20's. god i feel old already. Hopefully not daddy's little girl anymore where i can say whatever i want and wear whatever i like without being self-conscious. baby steps.

i don't like topics about death. i don't want to think about it. i'm not running away from it i just don't like discussing about the "here-after" and i get so mad when people bring up about it. brother, tumblr and whatnot. it's not even funny to begin with. anyway, mom's got a new job in Penang and after my finals she's bringing me to stay there with her for a few days. i kind of am looking forward to that escape from Him. yeah. i know i'll miss em but the reason i wanted to go to singapore was to get away for a while. but he came along. i was glad, sure. but i needed time on my own as well. of course i had the choice to tell him not to follow but i'll feel bad for doing so. like how i'd like to spend time with my friends ( i think they still are since i've completely abandoned them for a more smarter choice = Him ) but end up bringing him along because i wouldn't wanna go all "i wonder what he's doing in the dorm" and stuff.

I didn't make any resolutions for 2012. but i did like that one tweet that i retweeted.

"Resolutions: to make a resolution for next year"

i don't know why i liked this so much. i think because it makes sense. anyway, bought two dvd's with dad just now. Beastly and One Day. i should study instead of watching movies i have all the time in the world for that after finals in penang. For now that's it.

P.S! i think i have a crush on His mate, J. omg lol i feel like such a school girl. met him during the carnival. he thinks i'm cute ;)

From FB;

• • [] I've had a crush on you
    [x] I like your profile picture
    [x] You're cute
    [x] You're a stranger & that needs to change
    [♪] We need to talk more
    [♪] You're funny
    [] I love you
    [] I miss you
    [♪] We should chill
    [] You've made me mad
    [♪] You make me smile
    [] I would hug you
    [] I strongly dislike you
    [] I have no clue who you are
    [♪] I dare you to put this as your status so I can like it